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Humorous Quotes

Humorous quotes (Provided by a host of people, real and fictitious.)

"Home computers are being called upon to perform many new functions, including the consumption of homework formerly eaten by the dog" Doug Larson

Computers will never replace good old-fashioned human stupidity.

Four fonts walk into a bar. The bartender says "Hey - get out! We don't want your type in here."

How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? None, it's a hardware problem.

"The difference between e-mail and regular mail is that computers handle e-mail, and computers never decide to come to work one day and shoot all the other computers." Jamais Cascio

"At this moment I do not have a personal relationship with a computer." Janet Reno

"One thing a computer can do that most humans can't is be sealed up in a cardboard box and sit in a warehouse." Jack Handey

If you can't beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

"The Internet is here so we can waste time talking about nothing in particular when we should be working." Marcus Hill

"Why is it drug addicts and computer aficionados are both called users?" Clifford Stoll

"The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again." -- Al Goodman

"The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit." -- Eric Porterfield

"Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known." -- FA Montagu.

"There are lies, damned lies and statistics." -- Mark Twain

"I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison." -- WC Fields

"My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher." -- Socrates

"An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex." -- Edgar Wallace

"You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one." -- Albert Einstein

"The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources." -- Albert Einstein

"If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight." -- George Gobol

"Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female." -- Desmond Morris

"Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'" -- Charlie Brown

"I've been accused of vulgarity. I say that's bullshit." -- Mel Brooks

"The difference between fiction and reality is that fiction has to make sense." -- Tom Clancy

"Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success." -- Jim Backus

Somebody hits me, I'm going to hit him back. Even if it does look like he hasn't eaten in a while. {after blatantly elbowing an Angolan basketball opponent in the Olympics}. (Charles Barkley)

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. (Dave Barry)

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. (Dave Barry's Bad Habits, Dave Barry)

When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer. (Post-petroleum Guzzler, Dave Barry)

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base. (Dave Barry)

Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. (Ambrose Bierce)

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. (David Bissonette)

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. (Humphrey Bogart)

"We are an impossibility in an impossible universe." (Ray Bradbury)

Time is God's way to keep everything from happening at once. (James Brown)

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. - A. (Whitney Brown)

A drink a day keeps the shrink away. (Edward Abbey)

"There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened." (Douglas Adams)

"In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move." (Douglas Adams)

"I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown." (Woody Allen)

Writing about music is like dancing about architecture. (Anonymous)

On a tombstone: "I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK" (Anonymous)

Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering. (Anonymous)

Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Therefore .... (Anonymous)

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence. (Anonymous)

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience. (Anonymous)

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one. (Anonymous)

Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning. (Anonymous)

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent. (Anonymous)

Do not marry a person that you know that you can live with; only marry someone that you cannot live without. (Anonymous)

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. (Anonymous)

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep. (Anonymous)

People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot. (Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI)

There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets? -(Dick Cavett), {mocking the TV-violence debate}

Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink. --Lady Astor to Winston Churchill Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it. --His reply

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them. (William Clayton)

I've sometimes thought of marrying, and then I've thought again. (Noel Coward, 1956)

A girl phoned me the other day and said .... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home. (Rodney Dangerfield)

If it weren't for pick-pocketers I'd have no sex life at all. (Rodney Dangerfield)

And we were poor too. Why if I wasn't born a boy.... I'd have nothing to play with. (Rodney Dangerfield)

During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel. (Rodney Dangerfield)

One day as I came home early from work ..... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy .... Hey buddy .... why are you doing that for? He said .... Because you came home early. (Rodney Dangerfield)

Its been a rough day. I got up this morning .... put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom. (Rodney Dangerfield)

When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up. (Rodney Dangerfield)

My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend. (Rodney Dangerfield)

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof. (Rodney Dangerfield)

Once when I was lost..... I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him ..... do you think we'll ever find them? He said ... I don't know kid .... there are so many places they can hide. (Rodney Dangerfield)

On Halloween .... the parents send their kids out looking like me. Last year... one kid tried to rip my face off! Now its different...when I answer the door the kids hand me candy. (Rodney Dangerfield)

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday. (Rodney Dangerfield)

I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get. (Rodney Dangerfield)

I went to see my doctor. Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me? He said... I don't know but your eyesight is perfect. (Rodney Dangerfield)

If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs. (David Daye)

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. (Phyllis Diller)

And that's the world in a nutshell -- an appropriate receptacle. (Stan Dunn)

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. (Albert Einstein)

"Men marry women with the hope they will never change. "Women marry men with the hope they will change. "Invaribly they are both disappointed." (Albert Einstein)

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. (W.C. Fields)

What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch? (W.C. Fields)

Is being an idiot like being high all the time? - (Janeane Garofalo)

When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities. -From "Basic Sex Facts For Today's Youngfolk" in "Life In Hell'', by (Matt Groening)

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. (Sacha Guitry)

There is a coherent plan in the universe, though I don't know what it's a plan for. (Fred Hoyle)

Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn't have to experience it. (Max Frisch)

Tell a man there are 300 Billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure. (Jarger)

A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too.' - (Jake Johansen)

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. (Hemant Joshi)

Time's fun when you're having flies. (Kermit the Frog)

Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation. (Henry Kissinger)

Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat. - John Lehman (US secretary of the Navy)

She's a lovely person. She deserves a good husband. Marry her before she finds one. (Oscar Levant to Harpo Marx upon meeting Harpo's fiancee)

Never go to bed mad. Stay awake all night and plot horrible REVENGE!!!! (Vince Lewonski)

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe (Jackie Mason)

Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside desperate to get out. (Montaigne)

Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine. (David Moulton)

One more drink and I'd be under the host. (Dorothy Parker)

After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles." (Ronnie Shakes)

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph. ~~ Shirley Temple

The universe is a big place, perhaps the biggest. (Kilgore Trout)

In answer to the question of why it happened, I offer the modest proposal that our Universe is simply one of those things which happen from time to time. (Edward P. Tryon)

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. (Lana Turner)

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. (Mark Twain)

Suppose you were an idiot....And suppose you were a member of Congress....But I repeat myself. (Mark Twain)

Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life. (Tom Waits)

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy. (Tom Waits)

I am a deeply superficial person. (Andy Warhol)

The more you think about things, the weirder they seem. Take this milk. Why do we drink *cow* milk?? Who was the guy who first looked at a cow and said, "I think I'll drink whatever comes out of these things when I squeeze 'em!"?" - Bill Watterson ('Calvin & Hobbes')

(Calvin and Hobbes): "The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us." (Bill Watterson)

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution. (Mae West)

My school colors were "clear". (Steven Wright)

My girlfriend is weird. She asked me, "If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?" I said, "No." She said, "Okay, then forget it." (Steven Wright)

I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, "The whole time". (Steven Wright)

How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there? (Steven Wright)

What a nice night for an evening. (Steven Wright)

When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15." I said, "The middle of August? Cool!" (Steven Wright)

I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious. (Steven Wright)

I was hitchhiking the other day and a hearse stopped. I said, "No thanks -- I'm not going that far." (Steven Wright)

When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute. (Steven Wright)

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. (Henny Youngman)

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time. (Catherine Zandonella)

Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.... (Carl Zwanzig)

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished. (Zsa Zsa Gabor)

I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house. (Zsa Zsa Gabor)

I hope I didn't brain my damage -Homer J. Simpson

trying is the first step towards failure -Homer J. Simpson

I love the smell of napalm in the morning -- apocalypse now

I'm going to the backseat of my car with the woman I love, and I won't be back for TEN MINUTES. - Homer Simpson

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love! - Homer Simpson

Unfortunately, son, we Simpsons sometimes have to bend the rules a little in order to hold our own. - Homer Simpson

The strong must protect the sweet - Homer Simpson

Ah, sweet pity. Where would my love life have been without it? - Homer Simpson

Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you'd step over your own mother just to get one! But you can't stop at one. You wanna drink another woman! - Homer Simpson

Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen. - Homer Simpson

Remember as far as anyone knows, we're a nice normal family. - Homer Simpson

I know what you're saying, Bart. When I was young, I wanted an electric football machine more than anything else in the world, and my parents bought it for me, and it was the happiest day of my life. Well, goodnight. - Homer Simpson

Your lives are in the hands of men no smarter than you or I, many of them incompetent boobs. I know this because I worked alongside them, gone bowling with them, watched them pass me over for promotions time and again. And I say... This stinks! - Homer Simpson

D'oh!!! - Homer Simpson

That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to clown college! - Homer Simpson

You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'. - Homer Simpson

God bless those pagans. - Homer Simpson

I'm in a place where I don't know where I am! - Homer Simpson

I am so smart, I am so smart, s-m-r-t....I mean s-m-A-r-t. - Homer Simpson

Oh, everything's too damned expensive these days. This Bible cost 15 bucks! And talk about a preachy book! Everybody's a sinner! Except this guy. - Homer Simpson

Mmmm, free goo. - Homer Simpson

It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day. - Homer Simpson

I can't believe it! Reading and writing actually paid off! - Homer Simpson

Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time, just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow! Well, good night. - Homer Simpson

Yeah Moe that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked! I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked! - Homer Simpson

Ha ha! Look at this country! ? R U Gay!? Ha ha! (looking at Uruguay on the globe). - Homer Simpson

Don't mess with the dead, boy, they have eerie powers. - Homer Simpson

Donuts. Is there anything they can't do? - Homer Simpson

If you really want something in this life, you have to work for it - Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers! - Homer Simpson

Relax. What is mind? No matter. What is matter? Never mind! - Homer Simpson

Good drink... good meat... good God, let's eat! - Homer Simpson

I'll be back -- Arnold

All things end badly, otherwise they wouldn't end... -- McBain

Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got. -- Sophia Loren

Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you wont either. -- Joseph Fischer

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer. -- Swami X

love exists, love arises, love burns, love dies -- Diana Spencer

"Oh my God, they've killed Kenny, aaaaah (SouthPark)

"Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you? NORM: Like a baby treats a diaper" (Cheers)

God bless the internet --American Pie

"Pull the pin and count to what?"

Sam: Oh my god Woody, is it me or is that woman gorgeous? Woody: You look nice Sam, but I'm gonna have to go with the woman. (Cheers)

When I was young I used to think that money was the most important thing in life. Now that I am old, I know it is. --Oscar Wilde

I have never been in a situation where having money made it worse. --Clinton Jones

Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake. - Chessmaster Savielly Grigorievitch Tartakower (1887-1956)

Don't be so humble - you are not that great. - Golda Meir (1898-1978) to a visiting diplomat

If a man does his best, what else is there? - General George S. Patton (1885-1945)

I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better. - A. J. Liebling (1904-1963)

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet. - Saint Augustine (354-430)

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted. - Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. - Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. - Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is. - Jan L.A. van de Snepscheut

I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have. - Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826)

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends. - Martin Luther King Jr. (1929-1968)

Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right. - Henry Ford (1863-1947)

Do, or do not. There is no 'try'. - Yoda ('The Empire Strikes Back')

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed. - George Burns (1896-1996)

I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves. - Ludwig Wittgenstein (1889-1951)

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense. - Edsgar Dijkstra

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg. - Bjarne Stroustrup

A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems. - Paul Erdos

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad. - Salvador Dali (1904-1989)

But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near. - Andrew Marvell (1621-1678)

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws. - Plato (427-347 B.C.)

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake. - Napoleon Bonaparte (1769-1821)

Talent does what it can; genius does what it must. - Edward George Bulwer-Lytton (1803-1873)

The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'. - unknown

If you are going through hell, keep going. - Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters. - Frank Lloyd Wright (1868-1959)

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go. - Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh. - Voltaire (1694-1778)

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter. - Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them. - Ian L. Fleming (1908-1964)

Facts are the enemy of truth. - Don Quixote - "Man of La Mancha"

When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world. - George Washington Carver (1864-1943)

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself. - Anais Nin (1903-1977)

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work. - Thomas Alva Edison (1847-1931)

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell. - Aldous Huxley (1894-1963)

Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth. - Sherlock Holmes (by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, 1859-1930)

Black holes are where God divided by zero. - Steven Wright

I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it. - Groucho Marx (1895-1977)

It's kind of fun to do the impossible. - Walt Disney (1901-1966)

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true. - James Branch Cabell

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth. - Umberto Eco

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good. - Samuel Johnson (1709-1784)

The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them. - Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident. - Arthur Schopenhauer (1788-1860)

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life. - Frank Zappa

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome. - Isaac Asimov

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe. - Carl Sagan

It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts. - G. B. Burgin

Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action. - Auric Goldfinger, in "Goldfinger" by Ian L. Fleming (1908-1964)

No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to die! - Auric Goldfinger, in "Goldfinger" by Ian L. Fleming (1908-1964)

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance - Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens. - Jimi Hendrix

A clever man commits no minor blunders. - Goethe (1749-1832)

A witty saying proves nothing. - Voltaire (1694-1778)

Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance. - Will Durant

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence. - Xenocrates (396-314 B.C.)

It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion. - Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

I'll sleep when I'm dead. - Warren Zevon

Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it - Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862)

While we are postponing, life speeds by. - Seneca (3BC - 65AD)

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches. - the Duchess of Windsor, when asked what is the secret of a long and happy life

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win. - Mahatma Gandhi (1869-1948)

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so. - Bertrand Russell (1872-1970)

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates (470-399 B.C.)

Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me. - Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914)

A narcissist is someone better looking than you are. - Gore Vidal

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity. - Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite. - Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)

The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth. - Niels Bohr (1885-1962)

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough? - Niels Bohr (1885-1962)

In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite. - Paul Dirac (1902-1984)

I would have made a good Pope. - Richard M. Nixon (1913-1994)

Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin. - John von Neumann (1903-1957)

The mistakes are all waiting to be made. - chessmaster Savielly Grigorievitch Tartakower (1887-1956) on the game's opening position

Grove giveth and Gates taketh away. - Bob Metcalfe (inventor of Ethernet) on the trend of hardware speedups not being able to keep up with software demands

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one. - Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important. - Bertrand Russell (1872-1970)

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation. - H. H. Munro (Saki) (1870-1916)

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler. - Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

What do you take me for, an idiot? - General Charles de Gaulle (1890-1970), when a journalist asked him if he was happy

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines. - Frank Lloyd Wright (1868-1959 )

It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid. - George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me. - Alice Roosevelt Longworth (1884-1980)

No one can earn a million dollars honestly. - William Jennings Bryan (1860-1925)

Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech. - Martin Fraquhar Tupper

When ideas fail, words come in very handy. - Goethe (1749-1832)

The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people. - Lucille S. Harper

You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there. - Yogi Berra

He who hesitates is a damned fool. - Mae West (1892-1980)

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater. - Gail Godwin

University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small. - Henry Kissinger (1923-)

You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty. - Sacha Guitry (1885-1957)

Behind every great fortune there is a crime. - Honore de Balzac (1799-1850)

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his. - General George Patton (1885-1945)

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis. - Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)

There is no sincerer love than the love of food. - George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it. - Steven Wright

The covers of this book are too far apart. - Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914)

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them. - Flannery O'Connor (1925-1964)

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end. - Igor Stravinsky (1882-1971)

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before. - Mae West (1892-1980)

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to. - Elvis Presley (1935-1977)

Hell is a half-filled auditorium. - Robert Frost (1874-1963)

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you. - Carl Gustav Jung (1875-1961)

Vote early and vote often. - Al Capone (1899-1947)

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one? - Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)

Happiness is good health and a bad memory. - Ingrid Bergman (1917-1982)

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate. - Thomas Jones

You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone. - Al Capone (1899-1947)

The gods too are fond of a joke. - Aristotle (384-322 B.C.)

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting. - Gloria Leonard

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man. - Professor Scott Elledge on his retirement from Cornell

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work. - Robert Orben

There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem. - George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

Attention to health is life greatest hindrance. - Plato (427-347 B.C.)

Nietzsche was stupid and abnormal. - Leo Tolstoy (1828-1910)

How can I lose to such an idiot? - A shout from chessmaster Aaron Nimzovich (1886-1935)

Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday. - Woody Allen (1935-)

Men have become the tools of their tools. - Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862)

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education. - Mark Twain (1835-1910)

It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant. - Richard J. Ferris, president of United Airlines

I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television. - Gore Vidal

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives. - Abba Eban (1915-)

Imitation is the sincerest form of television. - Fred Allen (1894-1956)

Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest. - Mark Twain (1835-1910)

In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take. - Adlai Stevenson (1900-1965)

Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research. - Wilson Mizner (1876-1933)

Why don't you write books people can read? - Nora Joyce to her husband James (1882-1941)

Criticism is prejudice made plausible. - Henry Louis Mencken (1880-1956)

Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting. - Karl Wallenda

The best way to predict the future is to invent it. - Alan Kay

Hell is paved with good samaritans. - William M. Holden

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time. - George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

Well done is better than well said. - Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790)

The average person thinks he isn't. - Father Larry Lorenzoni

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted. - Helen Rowland (1876-1950)

Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done. - Carl Friedrich Gauss (1777-1855), while working, when informed that his wife is dying

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty. - Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers. - Thomas Watson (1874-1956), Chairman of IBM, 1943

The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy. - Von Clausewitz (1780-1831)

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home. - Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977

640K ought to be enough for anybody. - Bill Gates (1955-), in 1981

The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible. - A Yale University management professor in response to student Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)

Who the hell wants to hear actors talk? - H. M. Warner (1881-1958), founder of Warner Brothers, in 1927

We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out. - Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962

Everything that can be invented has been invented. - Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899

A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood. - General George S. Patton (1885-1945)

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know. - Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something. - last words of Pancho Villa (1877-1923)

The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins. - Oliver Wendell Holmes (1841-1935)

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense. - Tom Clancy

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog. - Mark Twain (1835-1910)

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both. - Niccolo Machiavelli (1469-1527), "The Prince"

Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame. - Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790)

The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep. - Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on Larry King Live

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees. - Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks

I criticize by creation - not by finding fault. - Cicero (106-43 B.C.)

Love is friendship set on fire. - Jeremy Taylor

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time. - Robin Williams, commenting on the Clinton/Lewinsky affair

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate. - Unibomber Theodore Kaczynski, when asked in court what his current profession was

Woman was God's second mistake. - Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900)

This isn't right, this isn't even wrong. - Wolfgang Pauli (1900-1958), upon reading a young physicist's paper

Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run. - Rudyard Kipling (1865-1936)

He would make a lovely corpse. - Charles Dickens (1812-1870)

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial. - Irvin S. Cobb

I worship the quicksand he walks in. - Art Buchwald

Wagner's music is better than it sounds. - Mark Twain (1835-1910)

A poem is never finished, only abandoned. - Paul Valery (1871-1945)

We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction. - General Douglas MacArthur (1880-1964)

If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens? - Seymour Cray (1925-1996), father of supercomputing

#3 pencils and quadrille pads. - Seymoure Cray (1925-1996) when asked what CAD tools he used to design the Cray I supercomputer; he also recommended using the back side of the pages so that the lines were not so dominant.

I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray. - Seymoure Cray (1925-1996) when was informed that Apple Inc. had recently bought a Cray supercomputer to help them design the next Mac.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them. - Mark Twain (1835-1910)

The truth is more important than the facts. - Frank Lloyd Wright (1868-1959)

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it. - Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

I love it when a plan comes together Hannibal

Nice work B.A.!! Hannibal Smith

I love it when a plan comes together! Hannibal Smith

A dress makes no sense unless it inspires men to want to take it off you. -- Francoise Sagan

Computer : a million morons working at the speed of light. -- David Ferrier

Crash programs fail because they are based on theory that, with nine women pregnant, you can get a baby a month. -- Wernher von Braun

Can I ass you some questions?? Ace Ventura

Do NOT go in there, WOEWWWWW! Ace Ventura

Three darts is too much. -- Ace Ventura

And you must be ... the monopoly guy! -- Ace Ventura

Like a glove! -- Ace Ventura

La hoe se her! -- Ace Ventura

Wawzers (Inspector Gadget)

Bite my shiny metal ass - Bender

No one steals my chicks.....and lives - Duke Nukem

I came to take out the rest of u alien bastards ... BANG - Duke Nukem

... but u had to go and reck it by surviving - Bender

A reboot a day keeps the pinguins away. - ?

bo-ring -- Homer Simpson

"weaseling out of things is what separates us from the animals,... except for the weasle of course." Homer J.Simpson

olraidie den! -- Ace Ventura

'Three darts is too much' Ace Ventura

Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you gonna get! (Forrest Gump)

Well I don't have anything else planned for today, let's get drunk! -- Bender

We need a chick who doesn't fuck... No wait a minute that's not what I meant (Butthead)

Hey! What kind of party is this? There's no booze and only one hooker. -- Bender

Show Dick some respect. -- Bender

Shall we shag now or shall we shag later? -- Austin Powers

As long as people are still having promiscuous sex with many anonymous partners while at the same time experimenting with mind-expanding drugs in a consequence-free environment, I'll be sound as a pound! -- Austin Powers

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. -- Mitch

Why do you have to break up with her? Be a man. Just stop calling. -- Joey

Well, yeah, she asked if she could finish my peanuts and I thought she said something else.

Ok, lets focus something else. Beautiful eyes, nice nose, great smile, BIG HEAD BIG HEAD BIG HEAD!!! -- Chandler

A bomb's a bad choice for close-range combat.

For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.

I can see clearly now, the brain is gone... -- Peter Fourneau

I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.

If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.

... File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?

Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious. -- Alan Minter, Boxer

Those who survived the San Francisco earthquake said, "Thank God, I'm still alive." But, of course, those who died, their lives will never be the same again. -- Barbara Boxer

I played a blank tape on full volume. The mime who lives next door complained. (Steven Wright)

OK, but I don't want anyone thinking we're robosexuals. - Bender

Oh no! Not the magnet! - Bender

Well I don't have anything else planned for today, let's get drunk! - Bender

Yeah, well I'm gonna build my own lunar space lander! With blackjack aaaaannd Hookers! Actually, forget the space lander, and the blackjack. Ahhhh forget the whole thing! - Bender

Dear Mr. President, There are too many states nowadays. Please eliminate three. P.S: I am not a crackpot. - Abe Simpson

Pardon me brother, care to donate to the Anti Mugging-You fund? - Bender

Hey! What kind of party is this? There's no booze and only one hooker. - Bender

Fry, of all the friends I've had, you're the first. - Bender

'time to kick ass and chew bubble gum, and I'm all out of gum' Duke Nukem

Damn I'm looking GOOD! - Duke Nukem

Come get some - Duke Nukem

'it hurts to be you' Duke Nukem

Your face, your ass... What's the difference --Duke Nukem

What are you waiting for? Christmas? --Duke Nukem

Damn! Those alien bastards are gonna pay for ruining my ride --Duke Nukem

Fry: How do you know he's gay? Bender: I've got this thing called gaydar...

Sit. I said sit! Bad fish! -- Professor Nerdstrom

It's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice.

The graveyards are full of indispensable men. - Charles de Gaulle (1890-1970)

(Calvin): People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world. (Hobbes): Isn't your pants' zipper supposed to be in the front?

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. --Earl Wilson

If you think sex is a pain in the ass, try different position. --Anonymous

That's the remarkable thing about life. No matter how bad it gets it can always get worse. --Calvin

I love living single, drinking double, and sleeping triple. --Hunter McGirt

I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it. --Ashleigh Brilliant

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it. --Bob Hope

"But what...is it good for?" -- Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.

"the only way he (superman) could bang regular chicks, is with a Kryptonite condom... but that would kill him" brody in mallrats

supercalifragilisticexpialidocious --Mary Poppins

Vodka Martini, shaken not stirred --James Bond

Chaos, panic, and disorder; my job is done here.

Few women admit their age, even fewer men act theirs - Anonymous

Oh, wait, sorry, I didn't mean to look interested - Anonymous

Sex on the television can't hurt you . . . unless you fall off - Anonymous

Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off - Anonymous

Ya know what, it really don't matter if I win or lose, just as long as I piss you off in the process - Anonymous

Pissed off? Hey, it's better than being pissed on. - Anonymous

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it. - Anonymous

It's not an optical illusion, it just looks that way. - Anonymous

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. -Anonymous

We're born naked, wet, and hungry. . . .then things get worse - Anonymous

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and the world laughs louder. - Anonymous

You can only be young once, but you can be immature FOREVER! - Anonymous

Gravity sucks. - Anonymous

There are few problems that cannot be solved with the usage of high explosives. - Anonymous

Run, you fools!! Gandalf -- Lord of the Rings

Unless you enter the tiger's lair, you cannot get hold of the tiger's cubs. -- Sun Tze

Being a robot, I have no emotions and that makes me sad. -- Bender

"Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones. (Mike Barfield)"

"Go ahead punk, make my day"--Dirty Harry

What doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger. -- The 5th Element

Never trust a female - O Brother where art Thou

I'll shoot you with my canon of love. -- Anonymous

May the Force be with you! - Obiwan Kenobi

Where is Bart? His food is getting cold and eaten. -- Homer J. Simpson

I love it -- Snicker

The trouble with political jokes is that they get elected.

Budget: A method for going broke methodically.

I have the three things that women want: I'm hot and I'm smart.

Honesty in a person means nothing until he is tested under circumstances when he is sure he could get away with dishonesty. --unknown

Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new. --Albert Einstein

If you never try anything new, you'll miss out on many of life's greatest disappointments. -- Ashleigh Brilliant

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot- proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning. --Rich Cook

"We need a chick who doesn't Suck... No wait a minute that's not what I meant (Butthead)"

"My girlfriend said to me in bed last night' 'you're a pervert' I said, 'that's a big word for a girl of nine'." -- Steve Martin

"What's wrong with a little incest? It's both handy and cheap." -- James Agate

"Nature intended women to be our slaves. They are our property."

"My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects." -- Les Dawson

"My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty." -- Woody Allen

"My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often." -- Emo Philips

"A nymphomaniac is a women as obsessed with sex as the average man." -- Mignon McLaughlin

"What's the three words you never want to hear while making love? Honey, I'm home." -- Ken Hammond

"Don't have sex man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them." -- Steve Martin

Love is Blindness (Bono)

"If you love all things, you will also attain the divine mystery that is in all things. For then your ability to perceive the truth will grow every day, and your mind will open itself to an all-embracing love"..... Fyodor Dostoyevsky

I love children --- especially when they cry, for then someone takes them away..... Nancy Mitford

Loving healing words for your inner child: "It's OK to be angry or sad." .....from the self help book, Be Your Own Therapist

"The art of love ... is largely the art of persistence."

"I think people should be free to engage in any sexual practices they choose; they should draw the line at goats though." -- Elton John

"Mom & Pop were just a couple of kids when they got married. He was eighteen, she was sixteen and I was three." -- Billie Holiday

Love can sometimes be magic. But magic can sometimes...just be an illusion. -Javan

"Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love." -- Woody Allen

"The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money costs less." -- Brendan Francis

"A friend is one who knows you and loves you just the same." Elbert Hubbard

A friend is one - arda

"I drink to make other people interesting." -- George Jean Nathan

"Reality is an illusion created by a lack of alcohol." -- NF Simpson

I've lost more precious friends the last time I was deloused. -- Blackadder

I have cat-like reflexes and the speed of a mongoose - Ace Ventura

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain. No pain. -- Carol Leifer

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. -- Oscar Wilde

"He tricked me into marrying him. He told me he was pregnant" -- Carol Leifer

"No, man. I'm pretty fucking far from OK." -- Marcellus Wallace

Hamburgers. The cornerstone of any nutritious breakfast. -- Vincent (Pulp Fiction)

Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful - provided you get between the right man and the right woman. -- Woody Allen

Have you ever noticed that good people sleep better, but bad people seem to have more fun when they're awake? -- Woody Allen

Losing my virginity was a career move. -- Madonna

What most men desire is a virgin who is a whore. -- Edward Dahlberg

To hear many religious people talk, one would think God created the torso, head, legs and arms, but the devil slapped on the genitals. -- Don Schrader

Ah, yes, divorce - from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet. -- Robin Williams

A program is a spell cast over a computer, turning input into error messages.

That's our advantage at Microsoft; we set the standards and we can change them.

God is real, unless cast to an integer.

"What is this talk of 'release'? Klingons do not make software 'releases'. Our software 'escapes' leaving a bloody trail of designers and quality assurance people in it's wake."

No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less. Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom

"only fools fight men with brisk"--Bruce Lee

"The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face." - Jack Handy

"Love is an angel, disguised as lust" -- Patti Smith

I love deadlines. I like the wooshing sound they make as they fly by. -- Douglas Adams

Women like silent men. They think they're listening. -- Marcel Archard

That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind -- Neil Armstrong

Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in de history of the world -- Dave Barry

When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us. -- Alexander Graham Bell

You can't try to do things; you simply must do them -- Ray Bradbury

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants -- A. Whitney Brown

An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less. -- Nicholas Murray Butler

veni, vidi, vici -- Julius Caesar

It is better to be defeated on principle than to win on lies. -- Arthur Calwell

I don't know the key to success but the key to failure is trying to please everybody. -- Bill Cosby

Obstacles are things a person sees when he takes his eyes off his goal. -- E. Joseph Cossman

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk, and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up. -- Phyllis Diller

There won't be anything we won't say to people to try and convince them that our way is the way to go --Bill Gates

If you can't make it good, at least make it look good. --Bill Gates

I believe OS/2 is destined to be the most important operating system, and possibly program, of all time. --Bill Gates

If you don't know what you need Windows NT for, you don't need it. --Bill Gates

The next generation of interesting software will be made on a Macintosh, not an IBM PC. --Bill Gates

You and me baby are nothing but mammals, so let's do it like they do on the discovery channel! (Bloodhound Gang)

Sure, luck means a lot in football. Not having a good quarterback is bad luck. --Don Schula

Boxing is a lot of white men watching two black men beat each other up. --Muhammed Ali

If you're playing a poker game and you look around the table and can't tell who the sucker is, it's you. --Paul Newman

We live in an age where pizza gets to your home before the police. --Jeff Marder

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. --Dave Edison

"Sexy is the thing I try to get them to see me as after I win them over with my personality."

Together, you're the best man I can imagine. -- Kate from Bandits

Hell is in Hello - Paint your Wagon

Mud can make you prisoner, and the plains can bake you dry. Snow can burn your eyes, but only people make you cry. -- Wandrin' Star

We're in the stickiest situation since Sticky the stick insect got himself stuck on a sticky bun. -- Edmund (Blackadder)

It's the worst plan since Abraham Lincoln said, 'Oh, I'm tired of kicking around the house tonight. Let's go take in a show.' -- Edmund (Blackadder)

I was more impressed by the contents of my handkerchief the last time I blew my nose. -- Edmund (Blackadder)

It's the most pointless book since 'How to Learn French' was translated into French. -- Edmund (Blackadder)

I can't see the point in the theatre. All that sex and violence. I get enough of that at home. Apart from the sex, of course. -- Baldrick

A man may fight for many things. His country, his principles, his friends. The glistening tear on the cheek of a golden child. But personally, I'd mud-wrestle my own mother for a ton of cash, an amusing clock and a sack of French porn. -- Blackadder

You wouldn't know a subtle plan if it painted itself purple and danced naked on top of a harpsichord singing 'Subtle Plans Are Here Again' -- Blackadder

You know, over these last few years, I've come to think of you as a sort of son. Not a favourite son, of course -- lord, no! -- more a sort of illegitimate backstairs sort of sprog, you know: a sort of spotty squib that nobody really likes. But, nonetheless, still fruit of my overactive loin. -- Melchett (Blackadder)

Sorry, it wasn't my fault. My cousins have been marrying each other for generations. -- Rose (The Golden Girls)

Life without you is like a broken pencil: Pointless. -- Blackadder

I'd rather have my tongue beaten thin with a steak tenderiser and then stapled to the floor with a croquet hoop. -- Blackadder

Your brain's so minute, Baldrick, that if a hungry cannibal cracked your head open, there wouldn't be enough to cover a small water biscuit. -- Blackadder

O God! This place stinks like a pair of armoured trousers after the Hundred Years War. Baldrick, have you been eating dung again? -- Blackadder

You've taken a vow of silence, how fascinating. Tell me about it. -- Percy (Blackadder)

Socks are like sex to me. Tons of it about, and I never seem to get any. -- Prince George (Blackadder)

"Size isn't important, my friend; it's not what you've got, it's where you stick it" -- Ebenezer (Blackadder)

Baldric, go forth into the streets and announce that Lord Blackadder wishes to sell his house. Percy, just go forth into the streets. -- Blackadder

You are to be congratulated, my friend. We live in an age where illness and deformity are commonplace, and yet Ploppy, you are without a doubt the most...repulsive individual I've ever met. I would shake your hand, but I fear it would come off. -- Blackadder

We're training up our new executioner, and he's a little immature. Takes him forever. Slash, slash, slash...by the time he's finished you don't so much need a spike as a toast rack. -- Blackadder

Making a speech on economics is a bit like pissing down your leg. It seems hot to you but never to anyone else. -- Lyndon B Johnson

All right, brain. You don't like me and I don't like you, but let's just do this and I can get back to killing you with beer. -- Homer J Simpson

Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me. As an offering, I present these milk and cookies. If you wish me to eat them instead, please give me no sign whatsoever ... thy will be done. (munch munch munch) -- Homer J Simpson

And how is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive? -- Homer J Simpson

Good drink ... good meat ... good God, let's eat! -- Homer J Simpson

Heh Heh Heh! Lisa! Vampires are make believe, just like elves and gremlins and eskimos! -- Homer J Simpson

I know you can read my thoughts, boy : Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow. -- Homer J Simpson

If something is to hard to do, then it's not worth doing. -- Homer J Simpson

"The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds the most discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' but 'That's funny...'" -- Isaac Asimov

"Tell them dear, that if eyes were made for seeing, Then beauty is its own excuse for being: Why thou wert there, O rival of the rose! I never sought to ask, I never knew: But, in my simple ignorance suppose The selfsame power that brought me there brought you."-Ralph Waldo Emerson

"If thou shouldst never see my face again, Pray for my soul. More things are wrought by prayer Than this world dreams of." -Alfred Lord Tennyson

This is a crisis. A large crisis. In fact, if you got a moment, it's a twelve-storey crisis with a magnificent entrance hall, carpetting throughout, 24-hour portage, and an enormous sign on the roof, saying 'This Is a Large Crisis'. A large crisis requires a large plan. Get me two pencils and a pair of underpants. -- Blackadder (Goodbyeee)

It's always a good idea to know the rules. That way, you know how to break them properly. -- Dalai Lama

People think that being famous is just about having your picture taken all the time and being rich rich rich, and you know what?... They're absolutely right. -- Madonna

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. -- Mark Twain

The best way to a man's heart is to saw his chest open. -- Siglets

Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster. -- Clay's Conclusion

Silence is golden, but jumping around and screaming like a deranged monkey on steroids is more fun. -- (not known)

In difficult moments, behave like a duck. Keep calm and unruffled on the surface, but keep paddling away like crazy underneath. -- (not known)

When someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles to frown, but it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and whack them in the head.

People who think they know everything are irritating to those of us that do.

Bart, you tried to do something and you failed. What's the lesson here, never try! -- Homer Simpson

Yes, the lectures are optional. Graduation is also optional. -- Professor Brian Quinn

Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand. -- Benny Hill

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That's relativity. -- Albert Einstein

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific --Albert Einstein

No one should be afraid to get wet. -- Sir August (The Avengers)

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love! -- Homer Simpson

If you really want something in this life, you have to work for it - Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers! -- Homer Simpson

No, he's pretty dumb. He's in all the same special classes I am. -- Bart Simpson

Christmas is a time when people of all religions come together to worship Jesus Christ. -- Bart Simspon

All right, let's not panic. I'll make the money by selling one of my livers. I can get by with one. -- Homer Simpson

Marge, you being a cop makes you the man! Which makes me the woman - and I have no interest in that, besides occasionally wearing the underwear, which as we discussed, is strictly a comfort thing. -- Homer Simpson

you can dance, you can dance, everybody look at your pants -- Homer Simpson

Marge, I'm going to miss you so much. And it's not just the sex. It's also the food preparation. -- Homer Simpson

Go ahead and play the blues if it'll make you happy. -- Homer Simpson

When you're masturbating, there's no such thing as premature ejaculation. It's called efficiency.

Wet dreams are just God wacking you off. He does it for you if you don't do it yourself. That sperm is gonna come out one way or another.

Nothing is better than sex. Masturbation is better than nothing. Therefore, masturbation is better than sex.

Sex is like a bridge game; if you have a good hand no partner is needed.

We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation. -- Lilly Tomlin

Don't be a sexist. Chicks hate that.

A computer is like an Old Testament god, with a lot of rules and no mercy. -- Joseph Campbell

To go forward, you must backup. -- Cardinal rule of computing.

There is nothing that a kick in the balls or a pressure on reset won't solve.

Computers do not solve problems, they execute solutions. -- Laurent Gasser

Most of the VAX instructions are in microcode, but HALT and NO-OP are in hardware for efficiency.

Memory is like an orgasm. It's a lot better if you don't have to fake it. -- Seymore Cray, on virtual memory

You make my software turn to hardware ! -- Geek pick-up line

The nice thing about standards is that there are so many to choose from.

If you give someone a program, you will frustrate them for a day; if you teach them how to program, you will frustrate them for a lifetime.

Data expands to fill the space available for storage. -- Parkinson's Law of Data

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me. -- Emo Philips

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend. -- Emo Philips

I ran three miles today. Finally I said, "Lady take your purse. -- Emo Philips

I speak Esparanto like a native. -- Spike Milligan

To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness. -- Oscar Wilde

There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that. -- Steve Martin

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff. -- Steven Wright

When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord, in his wisdom, didn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked him to forgive me. -- Emo Philips

As she lay there dozing next to me, one voice inside my head kept saying, "Relax... you are not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients, " but another kept reminding me, "Howard, you are a veterinarian. -- Dick Wilson

Condoms should be marketed in three sizes, jumbo, colossal and super-colossal so that men do not have to go in and ask for the small. -- Barbara Seaman

Contrary to popular belief, Unix is user friendly. It just happens to be very selective about who it decides to make friends with.

Win98 is just like a higher quality heroin... it's still not good for us. -- Capone

A computer without Windows is like a chocolate cake without mustard.

"There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence." -- Jeremy S. Anderson

"Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society." -- Mark Twain

"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." -- Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of DEC

"Indeed, it would not be an exaggeration to describe the history of the computer industry for the past decade as a massive effort to keep up with Apple." -- Byte, December 1994

"Telling computer guys that they need to have permission to quote things is like having to tell little children about Death." -- Ted Nelson

"UNIX was never designed to keep people from doing stupid things, because that policy would also keep them from doing clever things." -- Doug Gwyn

"UNIX is an operating system, OS/2 is half an operating system, Windows is a shell, and DOS is a boot partition virus." -- Peter H. Coffin

"Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining." -- Jeff Raskin

"There's always one more bug." -- Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology

"I thought the only thing the internet was good for was porn." -- Futurama

"Guru Meditation." -- Error message of the Amiga

"Thank you, come again." -- Apu Nahasapeemapetilon

"In Microsoft world, you are always one click away from harming yourself." -- Elias Levy

"Microsoft is now talking about the digital nervous system. I guess I would be nervous if my system was built on their technology, too." -- Sun Microsystems President Scott McNealy

"We have no intention of shipping another bloated OS and shoving it down the throats of our users." -- Paul Maritz, former Microsoft Vice President

"Coding styles are like assholes, everyone has one and no one likes anyone elses." -- Eric Warmenhoven (Gaim author)

"My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself." -- Emo Philips

"You know that look women get when they want sex? Me, neither." -- Drew Carey

"There is nothing wrong with making love with the light on. Just make sure the car door is closed." -- George Burns

"I'd like you to know something ... You're an idiot." -- Red Forman (That 70's show)

"You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on." -- Hepler, Systems Design 182

"There's no point in giving my name to someone who's about to die." -- Hiko

"The question of whether computers can think is just like the question of whether submarines can swim." -- Edsger W. Dijkstra

"It is the way of the world, Baldrick -- the abused always kick downwards. I am annoyed, and so I kick the cat... the cat pounces on the mouse, and, finally, the mouse ...bites you on the behind." -- Blackadder

"They're worked up, sir, because they're so poor, they're forced to have children simply to provide a cheap alternative to turkey at Christmas." -- Blackadder

"Ah Nursie, I like it firm and fruity. Am I pleased to see you or did I just put a canoe in my pocket? Down boy, down." -- Lord Flasheart (Blackadder)

"Well, it started badly, it tailed off a little in the middle, and the less said about the end, the better. But, apart than that, excellent." -- Blackadder

"Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly." -- Voltaire

"I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation..." -- George Bernard Shaw

"You shouldn't believe anything until it's been officially denied." -- Claud Cockburn

"There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot." -- Steven Wright

"Computers are useless. They can only give you answers." -- Pablo Picasso

"All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men." -- Isaac Asimov

"To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer." -- Paul Ehrlich

"The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity." -- Patrick Murray

"Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers." -- Leonard Brandwein

"UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity." -- Dennis Ritchie


Steven Wright is the guy who said, "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates." Here are some more of his gems:
1) I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2) Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
3) Half the people you know are below average.
4) 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5) 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6) A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7) A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8) If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
9) All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
10) The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11) I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
12) OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13) How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14) If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15) Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16) When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17) Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18) Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
19) I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
20) If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21) Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22) What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23) My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24) Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
25) If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26) A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27) Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28) The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29) To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many research.
30) The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31) The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32) The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to touch it.
33) Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.


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R. Cal Westray, Jr.
Revised: January 29, 2009.

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