THE MAN'S POINTS
For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it is:
In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do
something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes & points are
subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects...
Sorry, that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point
SIMPLE DUTIES - You make the bed...1 You make the bed, but forget to add the
decorative pillows...0 You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets...-1 You
go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings...5 But
return with beer...-5 You check out a suspicious noise at night...0 You
check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing...0 You check out a suspicious
noise and it's something...5 You pummel it with a six iron...10 It's her
father...-10 You leave the toilet seat up...-5 You replace the toilet-paper
roll when it's empty...0 When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to
Kleenex...-1 When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next
SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS - You stay by her side the entire party...0 You stay by
her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy...-2
Named Tiffany...-4 Tiffany is a dancer...-6 Tiffany has implants...-8
HER BIRTHDAY - You take her out to dinner...0 You take her out to dinner and
it's not a sports bar...1 Okay, it is a sports bar...-2 And it's
all-you-can-eat night...-3 It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night,
and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team...-10
THOUGHTFULNESS - You forget her birthday completely...-20 You forget your
anniversary...-30 You forget to pick her up at the bus station...-45 Which
is in Newark, New Jersey...-50 And the pouring rain dissolves her leg
A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS - Go out with a pal...-5 And the pal is happily
married...-4 Or frighteningly single...-7 And he drives a Mustang...-10 With
a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED)...-15 You have a few beers...-9 And
miss curfew by an hour...-12 You miss curfew by an hour and you didn't
call...-20 You get home at 3 am...-30 You get home at 3 am smelling of booze
and cheap cigars...-40 And not wearing any pants...-50 Is that a
HER NIGHT OUT - You stay home while she goes out with her annoying friend
from work...5 She goes out with her annoying work friends, and she comes
home real late...10 You wait up...15 She goes out, comes home late and
drunk, and you put her to bed...20
A NIGHT OUT - You take her to a movie...2 You take her to a movie she
likes...4 You take her to a movie you hate...6 You take her to a movie you
like...-2 It's called DeathCop 3...-3 Which features cyborgs having sex...-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans...-15
FLOWERS - You buy her flowers only when it's expected...0 You buy her
flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it...20 You give her wildflowers
you've actually picked yourself...30 And she contracts Lyme disease...-25
YOUR PHYSIQUE - You develop a noticeable potbelly...-15 You develop a
noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it...10 You develop a
noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian
shirts...-30 You say "I don't give a damn because you have one too"...-800
FINANCES - You spend a lot of money on something impractical...-5 Something
she can't use...-10 Such as a motorized model airplane...-20 And you buy her
a clock radio for her birthday...-40
DRIVING - You let her tell you how to drive... 20 You let her mother tell
you how to drive...40 You lost the directions on a trip...-4 You lost the
directions and end up getting lost...-10 You end up getting lost because you
followed her directions ...10 You end up getting lost in a bad part of town
...-15 You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close and
personal...-25 You know them...-60
THE BIG QUESTION - She asks, "Do I look fat?"...-5 (Sensitive questions
always start with a deficit) You hesitate in responding...-10 You reply,
COMMUNICATION - When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen,
displaying what looks like a concerned expression...0 When she wants to
talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes...5 You listen for more than 30
minutes without looking at the TV...10 She realizes this is because you've
Because I'm a Guy...
...I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I
watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I'll miss a whole
show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by
holding a calculator.
...when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire
clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road
service until long after hypothermia has set in. Oh, and when
the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare
at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another guy
shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able
to fix these things, but now with all these computers and
everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink
...when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take
care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as
I do, so for you this isn't an issue.
...I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the
store, like milk, or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic
items like "Cumin" or "Tofu." For all I know these are the same
thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick
up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a
...when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on
taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me
twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put
it back together.
...I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we
should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete
stranger-how the heck could HE know where we're going?
...there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The
answer is always either sex or football, though I have to make
up something else when you ask, so don't.
...I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come
visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any
more than I have to. Whatever you got her for mother's day is
ok, I don't need to see it. Did you remember to pick up
something for my mom, too?
...I am capable of announcing, "one more beer and I really have
to go," and mean it every single time I say it, even when it
gets to the point that the one bar closes and my buddies and I
have to go hunt down another. I will find it increasingly
hilarious to have my pals call you to tell you I'll be home
soon, and no, I don't understand why you threw all my clothes
into the front yard. What's the connection?
...you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are,
if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.
...I have to turn up the radio when Bruce Springsteen or The
Doors comes on, and then, yes, I have to tell you every single
time about how Bruce had his picture on the cover of Time and
Newsweek the same day, or how Jim Morrison is buried in Paris
and everyone visits his grave. Please do not behave as if you
do not find this fascinating.
...I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were
wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is
fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is
fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
...and this is, after all, the 90's, I will share equally in
the housework. You do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning,
and the dishes. I'll do the rest.
Men Are Just Happier People - - What do you expect from such simple
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a
water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to
another gas station restroom because this one is
just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think
of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental
People never stare at your chest
when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered
belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or
mangle your feet.
Phone conversations are over in
30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the
slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you,
he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a
Three pairs of shoes are more
You almost never have strap
problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in
Everything on your face stays its
The same hairstyle lasts for
years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face
You can play with toys all your
Your belly usually hides your big
One wallet and one pair of shoes
- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how
your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a
You have freedom of choice
concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for
25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier!
The Man Code
1. Thou shall not rent the movie Chocolate.
2. Under no circumstances may 2 men share an umbrella.
3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.
4. When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.
5. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
6. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50% without
recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call
B*LLSH*T. (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable
exaggeration rate rises to 400%)
7. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever.
8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 babe scale.
9. Complaining about the brand of free beer in a buddies refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.
10. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a friends birthday is strictly optional and slightly gay.
11. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe that your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.
12. Before dating a buddy's "ex", you are required to ask his permission and he in return is required to grant it.
13. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.
14. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem - you didn't see nothin'.
15. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.
16. A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's cat.
17. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
18. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiney friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll be able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare excuses about joining the priesthood.
19. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel... and it's free.
20. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
21. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
22. If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin", then you may sit back and enjoy.
23. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight lifting: "Yeah, baby, push it!", "C'mon, give me one more! Harder!", "Another set and we can hit the showers." "Nice ass, are you a Sagittarius?"
24. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.
25. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring to his beer.
26. Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except when she's withholding sex pending your response.
27. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal footing: either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need.
28. Unlocking a car door for another man is polite. Opening it is gay.
THE RULES (by an unknown author)
We always hear "the rules" from the female
side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules!
Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If
it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us
bitching about you leaving it down.
1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests
to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing
of the tides. Let it be.
1. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more
attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting
married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're
stuck with her.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to
think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not
work! Just say it!
1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and
anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes
you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would
look good with your dress?
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving
it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that last for 17 months is a problem. See a
1. Check your oil! Please.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an
argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls,
don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
We refuse to answer.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and
one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you
want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and
neither do we.
1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the
first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default
settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a
fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack
of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will
act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to,
expect an answer you don't want to hear.
W1. hen we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you
wear is fine. Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are
prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's
Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what they're
1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the
quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.
1. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep
on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's
Because I'm a man:
Because I'm a man, when I lock
my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire long after hypothermia has
set in. I will then drink beer.
Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the
hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another
man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix
these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't,
know where to start." We will then drink beer.
Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup
and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never
get as sick as I do, so for you, this isn't a problem. When I feel better,
I will drink beer
Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the
store, like milk or bread... and beer. I cannot be expected to find
exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu". For all I know, these are the same
thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything
for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism. (F.Y.I. guys - cumin
is a spice) While driving home, I will drink one of the new beers.
Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist
on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as
much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
While watching him fix the appliance, I will drink beer.
Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand
while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a
whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by
holding a calculator). My other hand will hold a beer.
Because I'm a man, I don't think we're all that lost. And no, I
don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a
complete stranger? I mean, how the hell could he know where we're going?
He probably doesn't drink beer. He is not to be trusted.
Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The
answer is always either sex, cars, beer, or sports. I have to make up
something else when you ask, so don't ask. Answering silly questions makes
Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother
come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more
than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't
need to see it. Thinking of your mother makes me thirsty.
Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances
are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't. Stupid girlie movies
make me thirsty.
Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you
were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine.
With the belt or without it---looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look
fine. Can we just go now? I'll get another beer.
Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2003, I will share
equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the
gardening, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the
rest. Hard work makes be thirsty for beer.
This has been a public service message for Women to better understand the
Why do men die first?
Why do men die first? This is a question that has gone unanswered
for centuries. But, now we know.
If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat
race, you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy.
If you work too hard, there's never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off
your lazy behind and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're an insensitive bastard.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If SHE asks you, it's a favor.
If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a
If you don't, you're gay.
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist.
If you don't, you're unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements, you're full of yourself.
If you don't, you're not ambitious.
If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.
If you want it too often...
Men die first because they want to.
Men Strike Back.
How many men does it take to open a
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably
never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer
to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me."
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by
It's called a Wedding Cake.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with
a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
Send this to a few good men who
need a laugh and to the select few women who can handle the truth .
THE MEN'S THESAURUS
"I'M GOING FISHING" Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid,
and stand by a stream (or in a boat) with a stick in my hand, while the
fish swim by in complete safety."
"IT'S A GUY THING" Means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected
with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.
"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?" Means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"
HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR..." Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a
WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN" Means: "I have no idea how it works."
WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND." Means: "I
was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."
"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD." Means: "I can't hear the game
over the vacuum cleaner."
"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR." Means: "Are you still talking?"
"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS." Means: "I remember the theme song to 'F
Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle
identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your
WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES." Means: "The girl
selling them on the corner was a real babe."
"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL." Means: "I have
actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm
"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING." Means: "And I sure hope I
think of some pretty soon."
CAN'T FIND IT." Means: "It didn't Fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm
"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?" Means: "What did you catch me at?"
HEARD YOU." Means: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am
hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend
the next 3 days yelling at me."
"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE." Means: "I am used to the way you
yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC." Means: "Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm
"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE." Means: "No one will ever see us
10 Gifts NOT
to buy a Woman
1. Never give a woman
any kind of household appliance or something that is going to make
"housework" easier. For instance, a blender, a toaster, a new vacuum, one of
those mops they advertise on tv that does everything but suck the life out
of you, anything in a infomercial. The only wise choice is a new washing
machine with a turbo spin cycle.
2. Any bulk cleaning
supplies, "honey, I got you that large box of Tide you have been wanting."
"This Windex should last you a while." "I got a good deal on the industrial
strength toilet bowl cleaner." All I can say is, be prepared to run. I have
faith that if you would have at least stopped and thought about what would
be a much more intimate gift, you would have had the sense to spring for the
$5 Chia Pet you were eyeing in Kmart.
3. Any sharp objects
made by Ronco which slices or dices, or a set of ginsu knives. These may one
day be used as a weapon against you when you come home with lipstick on your
collar after a "night out with the boys."
4. Do not buy gifts
for yourself and pretend they are for her. "Honey, I'm sure you'll get a lot
of use out of the new drill I bought you." By then she will have put it to
good use by drilling a quarter inch hole into the side of your skull for
even thinking she would accept such a lame gift. After a gift like this, you
probably won't be around for NEXT Christmas.
5. Any lingerie made
of flannel, such as a pair of feet pajamas with a trap door in back. A
Little Mermaid or Barney cartoon character nightgown. It gives her the idea
that you do not consider her the woman that she is. Take out that wallet and
buy her something from Victoria's Secret (just like you would for a mistress
6. No name perfume
which costs you $1.99, such as Eu de Toilet, which actually smells like the
bathroom, moldy fruit, or your dirty socks. If you are going to buy her
perfume, spring for the brand names.
7. Any type of cubic
zirconia jewelry you see on the Home Shopping Network. It will be quite
embarrassing when she is showing off that fabulous diamond to her friends
and tries to cut glass with it. (They actually test them you know.)
8. Please do not buy
her clothes because you think for one minute you have good taste in woman's
clothing. Believe me, she'll smile and say its beautiful while choking back
tears and mumbling under her breath, "were would I ever wear this outfit
without being arrested for bad taste?" An additional hint: plaids do not go
with stripes (even though you think your golfing outfit looks just fine).
Its a known fact to the rest of the world that that is a taboo.
9. Do not give her a
gift certificate to a fitness center or Weight Watchers. Most men would know
better, especially the ones who have learned the correct response to "do
these pants make me look fat." If you are one of the poor souls who still
doesn't get it and purchased a gift like this, be prepared for the silent
treatment for a month. (Although that may be something you would actually
look forward to.)
10. Last but not
least, never buy a woman anti-wrinkle cream, or a book on "How not to be
Nasty Sunday through Saturday." These are not considered gifts, they are
considered reasons for seriously injuring the person who bought it and just
may stand up in court of law.
What I want in a man, Original List (age 22)
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates the finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover
What I want in a man, Revised list (age 32)
1. Nice looking - preferably with hair on his head
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner at a restaurant
4. Listens more than he talks
5. Laughs at my jokes at appropriate times
6. Can carry in all groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week
What I want in a man, Revised list (age 42)
1. Not too ugly - bald head okay
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner at McDonalds on occasion
4. Nods head at appropriate times when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers the punchlines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange furniture
7. Usually wears shirt that covers stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat lid down
10. Shaves on most weekends
What I want in a man, Revised list (age 52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed to appropriate length
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep while I'm talking
5. Doesn't re-tell same jokes too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves on some weekends
What I want in a man, Revised list (age 62)
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when awake (LOUDLY when asleep)
5. Forgets why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
What I want in a man, Revised list (age 72)
What Men Are Really Saying:
"I'm going fishing." Really means "I'm going to drink myself dangerously
stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim
by in complete safety."
"Let's take your car." Really means "Mine is full of beer cans and burger
wrappers and is completely out of gas."
"Woman driver." Really means "Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear,
make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me."
"I don't care what color you paint the kitchen." Really means "As long as
it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black,
turquoise or any other color besides white."
"It's a guy thing." Really means "There is no rational thought pattern
connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"Can I help with dinner?" Really means "Why isn't it already on the
"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear." Really mean Absolutely nothing.
It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling.
"Good idea." Really means "It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of
the day gloating."
"Have you lost weight?" Really means "I've just spent our last $30 on a
"My wife doesn't understand me." Really means "She's heard all my stories
before and is tired of them."
"It would take too long to explain." Really means "I have no idea how it
"I'm getting more exercise lately." Really means "The batteries in the
remote are dead."
"I got a lot done." Really means "I found 'Waldo' in almost every
"We're going to be late." Really means "Now I have a legitimate excuse to
drive like a maniac."
"Hey, I've read all the classics." Really means "I've been subscribing to
Playboy since 1972."
"You cook just like my mother used to." Really means "She used the smoke
detector as a meal timer, too."
"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind." Really
means "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." Really means "I can't hear
the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"That's interesting, dear." Really means "Are you still talking?"
"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love." Really means "I
forgot our anniversary again."
"You expect too much of me." Really means "You want me to stay awake."
"It's a really good movie." Really means "It's got guns, knives, fast
cars, and Heather Locklear."
"That's women's work." Really means "It's difficult, dirty, and
"Will you marry me?" Really means "Both my roommates have moved out, I
can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."
"Go ask your mother." Really means "I am incapable of making a decision."
"You know how bad my memory is." Really means "I remember the theme song
to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle
Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your
"I was just thinking about you and got you these roses." Really means "The
girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
"Football is a man's game." Really means "Women are generally too smart to
"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal." Really means "I
have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm
"I do help around the house." Really means "I once put a dirty towel in
the laundry basket."
"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing." Really means "And I sure
hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I can't find it." Really means "It didn't fall into my outstretched
hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"What did I do this time?" Really means "What did you catch me at?"
"What do you mean, you need new clothes?" Really means "You just bought
new clothes 3 years ago."
"She's one of those rabid feminists." Really means "She refused to make my
"But I hate to go shopping." Really means "Because I always wind up
outside the dressing room holding your purse."
"No, I left plenty of gas in the car." Really means "You may actually get
it to start."
"I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys." Really means "I am
planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest
pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary companions."
"I heard you." Really means "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just
said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you
don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"You know I could never love anyone else." Really means "I am used to the
way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
"You look terrific." Really means "Oh, God, please don't try on one more
outfit. I'm starving."
"I brought you a present." Really means "It was Free Ice Scraper Night at
the ball game."
"I missed you." Really means "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are
hungry and we are out of toilet paper."
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." Really means "No one will
ever see us alive again."
"We share the housework." Really means "I make the messes, she cleans them
"This relationship is getting too serious." Really means "I like you more
than my truck."
"I recycle." Really means "We could pay the rent with the money from my
"Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful." Really means "Oh, man,
what have you done to yourself?"
"It sure snowed last night." Really means "I suppose you're going to nag
me about shoveling the walk now."
"It's good beer." Really means "It was on sale."
"I don't need to read the instructions." Really means "I am perfectly
capable of screwing it up without printed help."
"I'll fix the garbage disposal later." Really means "If I wait long enough
you'll get frustrated and buy a new one."
"I'll take you to a fancy restaurant." Really means "Someplace that
doesn't have a drive-thru window."
"I broke up with her." Really means "She dumped me."
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?'
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs
who owns a liquor store and a golf course.
This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a s***.
Do you have any more humor to contribute? If so, let me know!
R. Cal Westray, Jr.
January 29, 2009.