Aircraft Humor

In his own words....

I was flying to San Francisco from Seattle this weekend, and the flight attendant reading the flight safety information had the whole plane looking at each other like "what the heck?" (Getting Seattle people to look at each other is an accomplishment.) So once we got airborne, I took out my laptop and typed up what she said so I wouldn't forget. I've left out a few parts I'm sure, but this is most of it.

Before takeoff...

Hello and welcome to Alaska Flight 438 to San Francisco. If you're going to San Francisco, you're in the right place. If you're not going to San Francisco, you're about to have a really long evening. We'd like to tell you now about some important safety features of this aircraft.

The most important safety feature we have aboard this plane is... The Flight Attendants. Please look at one now.

There are 5 exits aboard this plane: 2 at the front, 2 over the wings, and one out the plane's rear end. If you're seated in one of the exit rows, please do not store your bags by your feet. That would be a really bad idea. Please take a moment and look around and find the nearest exit. Count the rows of seats between you and the exit. In the event that the need arises to find one, trust me, you'll be glad you did. We have pretty blinking lights on the floor that will blink in the direction of the exits. White ones along the normal rows, and pretty red ones at the exit rows.

In the event of a loss of cabin pressure these baggy things will drop down over your head. You stick it over your nose and mouth like the flight attendant is doing now. The bag won't inflate, but there's oxygen there, promise. If you are sitting next to a small child, or someone who is acting like a small child, please do us all a favor and put on your mask first. If you are traveling with two or more children, please take a moment now to decide which one is your favorite. Help that one-first, and then work your way down.

In the seat pocket in front of you is a pamphlet about the safety features of this plane. I usually use it as a fan when I'm having my own personal summer. It makes a very good fan. It also has pretty pictures. Please take it out and play with it now. Please take a moment now to make sure your seat belts are fastened low and tight about your waist. To fasten the belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle. To release, it's a pulley thing -- not a pushy thing like your car because you're in an airplane --HELLO!!

There is no smoking in the cabin on this flight. There is also no smoking in the lavatories. If we see smoke coming from the lavatories, we will assume you are on fire and put you out. This is a free service we provide. There are two smoking sections on this flight, one outside each wing exit. We do have a movie in the smoking sections tonight ... hold on, let me check what it is .. Oh here it is; the movie tonight is 'Gone with the Wind'. In a moment we will be turning off the cabin lights, and it's going to get really dark, really fast. If you're afraid of the dark, now would be a good time to reach up and press the yellow button. The yellow button turns on your reading light. Please don't press the orange button unless you absolutely have to. The orange button is your seat ejection button.

We're glad to have you with us on board this flight. Thank you for choosing Alaska Air, and giving us your business and your money. If there's anything we can do to make you more comfortable, please don't hesitate to ask.

If you all weren't strapped down you would have given me a standing ovation, wouldn't you?

After landing...

Welcome to the San Francisco International Airport.

Sorry about the bumpy landing. It's not the captain's fault. It's not the co-pilot's fault. It's the Asphalt.

Please remain seated until the plane is parked at the gate. At no time in history has a passenger beaten a plane to the gate. So please don't even try.

Please be careful opening the overhead bins because "shift happens."

Keep the aeroplane in such an attitude that the air pressure is directly in the pilot's face.

* Horatio C. Barber, 1916

When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten.

* Robert Livingston, 'Flying The Aeronca'

The only time an aircraft has too much fuel on board is when it is on fire.

* Sir Charles Kingsford Smith, sometime before his death in the 1920's.

Flexible is much too rigid, in aviation you have to be fluid.

* Verne Jobst

If you can't afford to do something right, then be darn sure you can afford to do it wrong.

* Charlie Nelson (Good advise for construction)

Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day.

* Layton A. Bennett

I hope you either take up parachute jumping or stay out of single motored airplanes at night.

* Charles A. Lindbergh, to Wiley Post, 1931

Never fly the 'A' model of anything.

* Ed Thompson

Never fly anything that doesn't have the paint worn off the rudder pedals.

* Harry Bill

Keep thy airspeed up, less the earth come from below and smite thee.

* William Kershner

When a prang seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity, as slowly and gently as possible.

* advice given to RAF pilots during W.W.II.

Instrument flying is when your mind gets a grip on the fact that there is vision beyond sight.

* U.S. Navy 'Approach' magazine circa W.W.II.

Always keep an 'out' in your hip pocket.

* Bevo Howard

The Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you.

* attributed to Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot

A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum.

* Jon McBride, astronaut

If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible.

* Bob Hoover

It occurred to me that if I did not handle the crash correctly, there would be no survivors.

* Richard Leakey, after engine failure in a single engine - Nairobi, Africa, 1933.

If an airplane is still in one piece, don't cheat on it. Ride the bastard down.

* Ernest K. Gann, advice from the 'old pelican'

Yea Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death I Shall Fear No Evil For I am at 80,000 feet and Climbing.

* sign over the entrance to the SR-71 operating location on Kadena AB Okinawa

You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.

* Paul F. Crickmore

The emergencies you train for almost never happen. It's the one you can't train for that kills you.

* Ernest K. Gann, advice from the 'old pelican'

If you want to grow old as a pilot, you've got to know when to push it, and when to back off.

* Chuck Yeager

Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.

* Richard Herman Jr, 'Firebreak'

There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.

* Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970.

An airplane might disappoint any pilot, but it'll never surprise a good one.

* Len Morgan

To most people, the sky is the limit. To those who love aviation, the sky is home.

Life is simple. Eat, sleep, fly.

A DC-9 captain trainee attempting to check out on the 'glass cockpit' of an A-320. "Now I know what a dog feels like watching TV."

I give that landing a 9 . . . on the Richter scale.

The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

Blue water Navy truism:  There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky.
* From an old carrier sailor

If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.

When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.

Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club.

What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies. If the air traffic controller screws up, the pilot dies.

Never trade luck for skill.

The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?", and "Oh Shit!"

Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.

Progress in airline flying: now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant.

Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.

A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication.

I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous.

Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!

Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.

When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten. Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day.

Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slow and gently as possible.

The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you.
* Attributed to Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot

A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum.
* Jon McBride, astronaut

If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible.
* Bob Hoover - renowned aerobatic and test pilot

If an airplane is still in one piece, don't cheat on it; ride the bastard down.
* Ernest K. Gann, author & aviator

There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.
* Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970.

"What is the purpose of the propeller? The purpose of the propeller is to keep the pilot cool.
You don't believe that? If the propeller stops, watch how the pilot starts to sweat."

The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and, a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life where you get to experience all three at the same time.
* Author unknown, but surely someone who's been there

If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.

Basic Flying Rules:
Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.

You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.

Airplanes and Women

Airplanes can kill you quickly; a woman takes her time.

Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.

Airplanes don't get mad if you 'touch and go.'

Airplanes don't object to a preflight inspection.

Airplanes come with manuals to explain their operation.

Airplanes have strict weight and balance limits.

Airplanes can be flown any time of the month.

Airplanes don't come with in-laws.

Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you have flown.

Airplanes and pilots both arrive at the same time.

Airplanes don't mind if you look at other airplanes.

Airplanes don't mind if you buy airplane magazines.

Airplanes expect to be tied down.

Airplanes don't comment on your piloting skills.

Airplanes don't try and make you crash and burn.

Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong.

And when airplanes go quiet, just like women, it's usually 'not' a good sign.

Basic Flying Rules:

1. Try to stay in the middle of the air.

2. Do not go near the edges of it.

3. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.

Aircraft Maintenance:

Here are some actual (reputedly?) logged maintenance complaints and problems, known as "squawks", submitted by QUANTAS pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P = The problem logged by the pilot.
S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

P: No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
S: No. 2 propeller seepage normal. Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for!

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with words.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

Absolutely True Airline Announcements:

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a little more entertaining. Here are some recently-overheard quips:

From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."

Pilot: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land...it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."

"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

"Last one off the plane must clean it."

From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I as you a question?" "Why no, Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.

Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."

On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew: Ladies and gentlemen we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.

"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks are in the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children... or other adults acting like children."

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault... it was the asphalt."

From a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

And finally...

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!"

Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

Seeing-eye dog:

A commercial airline jet was sitting at the airport waiting for the pilot an co-pilot to arrive. Just as the passengers started to really get restless, the airline announced that the pilot and co-pilot had just gotten in and were on their way over. The pair came in through the rear door and started making their way up through the plane. The passengers began whispering amongst each other when it became apparent that the pilot and co-pilot were looking very blind. Both of them kept making their way toward the cockpit, tapping their red and white sticks against anything in their path. The co-pilot even had an eye-seeing dog pulling him along the aisles. After they sat down at the cockpit, the passengers exchanged a few nervous laughs and thin jokes about the safety of the flight. The engines revved up and the plane began taxiing over to the runway. By the time a few passengers were craning their necks, trying to see into the cockpit to see what the pilots were up to. When they approached the runway, the engines grew louder and louder as the plane went faster and faster down the runway. Then the plane actually went past the take off speed, but the plane still was racing down the runway. The passengers were really nervous as the end of the runway drew too close for comfort. The passengers began screaming as the end looked near. Just as the plane looked like it was going to crash off the runway, the plane suddenly took off and began its ascent. After the plane was at a safe altitude, the co-pilot looked at the pilot and said, "You know, one of these days they aren't going to scream, and then how are we going to know?"

And who says pilots and controllers have no sense of humor? 

Following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline and control towers from around the world:

The controller who was working a busy pattern told the America West727 on downwind to make a three-sixty (do a complete circle, usually to provide spacing between aircraft). The pilot of the America West 727 complained, "Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a three-sixty in this airplane? Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth!"

An American DC-10 had an exceedingly long roll out after landing with his approach speed just a little too high. San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end, if able. If not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101 and make a right at the light to return to the airport.

It was a really nice day, right about dusk, and a Piper Malibu was being vectored into a long line of airliners in order to land at Kansas City.

KC Approach: "Malibu three-two-Charlie, you're following a US Air 727, one o'clock and three miles."

Three-two-Charlie: "We've got him. We'll follow him."

KC Approach: "Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu, eleven o'clock and three miles. Do you have that traffic?"

Delta 105 (long pause and then in a thick southern drawl): "Well...I've got something down there. Can't quite tell if it's a Malibu or a Chevelle, though."

Unknown Aircraft: "I'm f***ing bored!"

Air Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!!"

Unknown Aircraft: "I said I was f***ing bored, not f***ing stupid!"

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7."

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure ... by the way, after we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7; did you copy the report from Eastern?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff roger; and yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."

O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 Heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, 3 miles, eastbound."

United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got that Fokker in sight."

I was a Pan Am 727 FE waiting for start clearance in Munich, Germany. I was listening to the radio since I was the junior crewmember. This was the conversation I overheard:

Lufthansa 225: (In German) "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Munich Ground: (In English) "If you want an answer you must speak English."

Lufthansa 225: (In English) "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Beautiful English Accent: (before ground could answer) "Because you lost the bloody war!"

"Flying A B-52"

A young guy in a two-engine fighter was flying escort for a B-52 and generally being a nuisance, acting like a hot dog, flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber. The hot dog said over the air, "Anything you can do, I can do better."

The veteran bomber pilot answered, "Try this, hot-shot." The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level.

Perplexed, the hot dog asked, "So? What did you do?"

"I just shut down two engines, kid."

A C-141-A Starlifter had been delayed for take-off for over an hour at Thule Air Force Base, Greenland, because its sewage container had not been pumped out. An Airman meandered up to the aircraft with the containment pump, fiddles around for a while, then gets ready to leave. The young Captain, who was the aircraft commander confronted the Airman, and stated, "You have caused me to be 2-hours late for my take-off. I'll see that you are not only reprimanded, but punished as well."

The young Airman smiled and said, "Sir, with all due respect, I have no stripes, I'm stationed at Thule, Greenland, it's 20 degrees below zero, and I'm pumping shit from aircraft. Just what kind of punishment did you have in mind?

If airliners sold paint

CUSTOMER: Hi, how much is your paint?

AIRLINE: Well, sir, that all depends.

CUSTOMER: Depends on what?

AIRLINE: Actually, a lot of things.

CUSTOMER: How about giving me an average price?

AIRLINE: Wow, that's too hard a question. The lowest price is $9 a gallon, and we have 150 different prices up to $200 a gallon.

CUSTOMER: What's the difference in the paint?

AIRLINE: Oh, there isn't any difference, it's all the same paint.

CUSTOMER: Well, then, I'd like some of that $9 paint.

AIRLINE: Well, first I need to ask you a few questions. When do you intend to use it?

CUSTOMER: I want to paint tomorrow, on my day off.

AIRLINE: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.

CUSTOMER: What? When would I have to paint in order to get the $9 version?

AIRLINE: That would be in three weeks, but you will also have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.

CUSTOMER: You've got to be kidding!

AIRLINE: Sir, we don't kid around here. Of course I'll have to check to see if we have any of that paint available before I can sell it to you.

CUSTOMER: What do you mean, check to see if you can sell it to me? You have shelves full of the stuff, I can see it right there.

AIRLINE: Just because you can see it doesn't mean that we have it. It may be the same paint, but we sell only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price just went up to $12.

CUSTOMER: You mean the price went up while we were talking?

AIRLINE: Yes, sir. You see, we change prices and rules thousands of times a day and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change . Unless you want the same thing to happen again, I would suggest that you get on with your purchase. How many gallons do you want?

CUSTOMER: I don't know exactly. Maybe five gallons. Maybe I should buy six gallons just to make sure I have enough.

AIRLINE: Oh, no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy the paint and then don't use it, you will be liable for penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have.

CUSTOMER: What?

AIRLINE: That's right. We can sell you enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you will be in violation of our tariffs.

CUSTOMER: But what does it matter to you whether I use all the paint? I already paid for it!

AIRLINE: Sir, there's no point in getting upset; that's just the way it is. We make plans based upon the idea that you will use all the paint, and when you don't, it just causes us all sorts of problems.

CUSTOMER: This is crazy! I suppose something terrible will happen if I don't keep painting until after Saturday night?

AIRLINE: Yes, sir, it will.

CUSTOMER: Well, that does it! I'm going somewhere else to buy my paint.

AIRLINE: That won't do you any good, sir. We all have the same rules. And thanks for painting with our airlines.

Airline commentary:

Do you know why they are going to put just a pilot and a dog in the cockpit? The pilot is there to feed the dog, and the dog is there to make sure the pilot doesn't touch anything. (Note: An attack dog would be as effective as a gun in the cockpit.)

I was on a plane to Miami and when it stopped over in Fort Lauderdale the pilot said it was to get gas and directions.

Before all this airport nonsense I asked a boarding attendant if anyone ever said 'yes' when asked if anyone packed their bags for them and she replied, "Yes, but we correct them".

XYZ airline

An airline pilot wrote that on a particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy that required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline."

He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off the plane except this little old lady walking with a cane.

She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?"

"Why, no, ma'am. What is it?"

"Did we land, or were we shot down?"

Do you have any more humor to contribute? If so, let me know!