Phrases You Can Use In A Myriad of Situations
(Provided by a host of unknown authors)

01.) Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
02.) The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist (or genius).
03.) I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
04.) Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
05.) I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
06.) I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
07.) What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
08.) I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
09.) I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
10.) Ahhh... I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...
11.) I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
12.) It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
13.) Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
14.) No, my powers can only be used for good.
15.) How about never? Is never good for you?
16.) I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me (or once you people learn to see it my way).
17.) You sound reasonable... Time to up my medication.
18.) I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
19.) I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
20.) I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
21.) Who me? I just wander from room to room.
22.) My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!
23.) It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
24.) At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
25.) You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
26.) I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
27.) Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
28.) This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
29.) I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
30.) If I throw a stick, will you leave?
31.) You! Off my planet!
32.) Therapy is expensive; poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
33.) Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.
34.) Bottomless pit of needs & wants.
35.) I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.
36.) Does your train of thought have a caboose?
37.) I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?
38.) Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
39.) And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...?
40.) If only you'd use your powers for good instead of evil...
41.) See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
42.) A PBS mind in an MTV world.
43.) Allow me to introduce my selves.
44.) Better living through denial.
45.) Whatever kind of look you were going for you missed!
46.) Suburbia: where they tear out the trees and then name streets after them.
47.) I'm just working here until a good fast-food job opens up.
48.) Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
49.) I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
50.) A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
51.) Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
52.) Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?
53.) I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
54.) Adults are just kids who owe money.
55.) How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
56.) I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
57.) Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
58.) Okay, okay, I take it back! UnScrew you!
59.) Macho Law forbids me from admitting I'm wrong.
60.) Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
61.) Too may freaks, not enough circuses.
62.) Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
63.) Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
64.) Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.
65.) Is it time for your medication or mine?
66.) I plead contemporary insanity.
67.) I refuse to star in your psychodrama.
68.) I thought I wanted a career, it turns out I just wanted paychecks.
69.) It ain't the size, it's... no, it's the size.
70.) Meandering to a different drummer.
71.) I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
72.) I can see your point, but I still think you're full of crap.
73.) It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
74.) Do I look like a people person?
75.) Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
76.) Nice perfume. Must you marinade in it?
77.) How do I set a laser pointer to stun?
78.) The beatings will continue until morale improves.
79.) Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
80.) We waste time, so you don't have to.
81.) Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away.
82.) Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
83.) A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
84.) When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
85.) Indecision is the key to flexibility.
86.) Succeed in spite of management.
87.) Aim low, reach your goals, avoid disappointment.
88.) What is your malfunction? Do you have a mute button?
89.) Have you just recently fallen out of the stupid tree?
90.) By the way, what do you think of the human race? We'd like an outsider's opinion.
91.) Are you new here, or do you always have that confused look on your face?
92.) Did you eat paint chips as a child?
93.) Why are you still here?
94.) What alternate universe are you living in?
95.) Were you born stupid, or are you just practicing right now?
96.) Of course I don't look busy...I did it right the first time.
97.) Don't start with me. You will not win.
98.) How can I miss you if you won't go away?
99.) Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
100.) I haven't been ignoring you; I've been prioritizing you.
101.) You're the best thing since sliced tea.
102.) No, those pants don't make you look fatter. I mean, how could they?
103.) When I think of all the people I respect the most, you're right there, serving them drinks.