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Movie Logic Page

Movie Logic.

or Things you would never know without the movies.

or Everything I need to know, I learned from movies.

or Things we learned from the movies. 

(Provided by a host of unknown authors)


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But first, 'Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men?' The Shadow Government Knows! I found this image and couldn't resist placing it in this page. Now enjoy!


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Movie Logic.


Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people whether they are employed or not.


All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.


Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment.


If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert in Nuclear Fission at age 22.


Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.


Make-up can safely be worn to bed without smudging.


All single women have a cat.


Most dogs are immortal.


Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them.


If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.


All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.


All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.


It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.


The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.


You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.


Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.


When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.


If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.


The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris - or anywhere in France.


A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.


If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.


When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.


Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from elsewhere in the universe.


Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.


People on TV never finish their drinks.


During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.


Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.


The Chief of Police is always black.


The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.


A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.


Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.


If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition - even if you haven't been carrying any before now.


Guns are like disposable razors - if you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away. You can always buy a new one.


Any time you pick up a firearm it makes a cocking noise, unless it's a shotgun, then it must be racked every few minutes whether you fired it or not.


A single match will be sufficient to light up a room a the size of a football stadium.


Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.


When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.


Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.


Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of our visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.


Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.


It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.


If a phone line is broken, communication can be restored by frantically beating the cradle and saying, "Hello? Hello?"


Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.


It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.


Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments, and maintain a stern expression.


Tires will squeal on any surface, at any speed.


When driving a car it is normal to look not at the road but at the person sitting beside you or in the back seat for the entire journey.


You can always rely on your car keys already being in the ignition when you get in the car, but if it's an emergency you can't find the keys anywhere.


It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.


All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.


Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.


If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.


No matter how badly a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged.


Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.


All computer disks will work in all computers, regardless of software.


All computers understand complex natural language queries.


Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.


It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.


When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.


No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.


You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.


An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child.


People rarely use the bathroom, and if they do, they're usually dead within minutes.


Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.


No one locks doors, and if they do, chances are there's a hatchet about to come through it.


One or two kisses erupts enough passion to make people tear off their clothes in a sexual frenzy. Afterward, their hair is perfectly coiffed.


The more a man and a woman hate each other, the more likely they will fall in love.


When in love, it is customary to burst into song.


Wearing a vest or stripping to the waist can make a man invulnerable to bullets.


When confronted by an evil international terrorist, sarcasm and wisecracks are your best weapons.


If you find yourself caught up in a misunderstanding that could be cleared up quickly with a simple explanation, for goodness sake, keep your mouth shut.


One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them than 20 men firing at 1 man.


If being fired at by Germans, hide in a river - or even a bath. German bullets are unable to penetrate water.


Freelance helicopter pilots are always eager to accept bookings from international terrorist organizations - even though the job will require them to shoot total strangers and will end in their own certain death as the helicopter explodes in a ball of flames.


Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper clippings - especially if any of their family or friends have died in a strange boating accident.


Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste.


You can tell if somebody is British because they will be wearing a bow tie.


Having a job of any kind will make fathers forget their son's eighth birthday.


Creepy music coming from a cemetery should always be investigated more closely.


If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.


If a killer is lurking in your house, it's easy to find him. Just relax and run a bath - even if it's the middle of the afternoon.


If there is a deranged killer on the loose, this will coincide with a thunderstorm that has brought down all the power and phone lines in the vicinity.


Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.


Many musical instruments - especially wind instruments and accordions can be played without moving the fingers.


A cough is usually the sign of a terminal illness.


At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.



Do you have any more humor to contribute? If so, let me know!


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R. Cal Westray, Jr.
Revised: January 29, 2009.

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