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"Muck Fichigan"

Down By The Ohio (Ohio, Omyo)

Verse 1
Girlies, slim and tall, Girlies, plump and small,
Very wild ones, Rather mild ones I've had them all;
From now on with woman I'm done, All excepting one.

Chorus 1
Down by the Ohio, I've got the sweetest little O, My! O!
I'm going right back there to meet her, and then O,
picture me when I put my arms around her and kiss her again;
Down by the Ohio,

She's just a simple little country girl, I know,
Now country girls are not supposed to be wise,
But when you get to know them, you'd be surprised!
They've got that O, My! O! Just wait till I get back to Ohio!

Chorus 2
Down by the Ohio, I've got the sweetest little O, My! O!
She doesn't dress as up-to-date as she might Her clothes are a sight
But when she's in the moonlight I'll say she's all right;
How she can O, My! O!,

She's just a simple little country girl, I know,
Your city chickens all have plenty of charm,
But I like chicken when it's fresh from the farm
With lots of O, My! O! Just wait till I get back to Ohio!

Verse 2
She's just right for me, Suits me to a "T";
Great on cooking, Not bad looking, You would agree;
Since I met her life is so sweet! Folks, I must repeat:

Repeat choruses

Ohio Winter Poem

It's winter in Ohio
And the gentle breezes blow!
Seventy miles an hour
At twenty-five below.

Oh, how I love Ohio
When the snow's up to your butt
You take a breath of winter
And your nose gets frozen shut.

Yes, the weather here is wonderful
So I guess I'll hang around
I could never leave Ohio
'Cause I'm frozen to the ground!!

Buckeyes VS Wolverines:

In the Ohio State Buckeyes locker room in Columbus, there's a sign stating - "Play like champions today!"

There's also one in the Michigan Wolverines locker room that says: "Don't forget your HELMET!"

Buckeye Archeological Dig:

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York archaeologists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

One week later and not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, two California archaeologists dug to a depth of 20 feet and found old copper wire, and shortly after, the LA Times reported "California archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network, one hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers."

One week later, 'The Lima News', a local newspaper in Ohio, reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Cridersville, Ohio; Auglaize County, Jim Bob Davison, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing."

Thus, Jim Bob and The Lima News concluded that 300 years ago, Ohio had already gone wireless.

Who was it that said Buckeyes weren't the brightest??????

Ohio Girls

Three men were sitting together, bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

The first man had married a woman from Indiana and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house, and the dishes were all washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Pennsylvania. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, the dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third had married an Ohio girl. He said that he told her that her duties were to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, just enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and telephone a landscaper.

Gotta love those Buckeye gals!!!

The Rules of Rural Ohio:

1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.

2. Turn your cap right, your head isn't crooked.

3. Let's get this straight; it's called a "dirt road." I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

4. They are cattle. They're live steaks. That's why they smell funny to you. But they smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-70 goes east and west, I-71 goes north and south. Pick one.

5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $150,000 corn pickers and hay balers that are driven only 3 weeks a year.

6. So every person in rural Ohio waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.

7. If that cell phone rings while an 8-point buck and 3 does are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

8. Yeah, we eat taters & gravy, beans & cornbread. You really want sushi & caviar? It's available at Jim's bait shop.

9. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.

10. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age.

11. No, there's no "vegetarian special" on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.

12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup. Oh, yeah.... We don't care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat... IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!

13. You bring "coke" into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice.

14. You bring "Mary Jane" into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.

15. College and High School Football is as important here as the Cavs and the Knicks, and more fun to watch.

16. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards -- it spooks the fish.

17. Colleges? We have them all over. We have State Universities , Community Colleges, and Vo-techs. They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at everybody when they come for the holidays.

18. We have a whole ton of folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines. So don't mess with us. If you do, you will get whipped by the best.

19. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump crap ain't music, anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers. Refer back to #1.

20. 4 inches isn't a blizzard - it's a flurry. Drive like you got some sense in it, and DON'T take all our bread, milk, and bleach from the grocery stores. This ain't Alaska , worst case you may have to live a whole day without croissants. The pickups with snow blades will have you out the next day.

Oh, how I love Ohio! 

It's winter again in Ohio
and the gentle breezes blow
seventy miles an hour
at only twenty-five below.

Oh, how I love Ohio
when the snow's up to your butt.
You take a deep breath of winter
and your nose hole freezes shut.

Yes, winter weather is here again
and I guess I'll hang around.
I could never leave good ole' Ohio
Cause I'm frozen to the ground!

Why God Made Ohio

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth, "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot.

Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a large land mass and said, "What's that one?"

"Ah," said God. "That's OHIO, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful lakes, rivers, sunsets and rolling hills. The people from OHIO are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hard working and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance!"

God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the idiots I'm putting around them in Michigan, Indiana, Kentucky, West Virginia and Pennsylvania. "


Mattel recently announced the release of the improved limited-edition Barbie Dolls for the Greater Dayton market:

"Beavercreek Barbie"
This princess Barbie is sold only at Fairfield Commons Mall. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade Handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey and a cookie-cutter house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with the augmented version.

"Kettering/Oakwood Barbie"
The modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Wind star Minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately.

"Riverside Barbie"
This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a Meth Lab Kit. This model is only available after dark and must be paid for in cash (preferably small, untraceable bills) ..unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you are talking about.

"Centerville Barbie"
This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club membership Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them.

"Xenia Barbie"
This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR t-shirt and tweety bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Bud light and a Hank Williams Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's ass when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.

"Moraine Barbie"
This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased beer-gutted Ken out of Centerville Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter-top. Also available with a mobile home.

"Yellow Springs Barbie"
This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, arch-less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her Willow. She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Yellow Springs Barbie's and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag bumper sticker for free.

"Dayton Barbie"
This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his 1979 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.

"Oregon District Barbie/Ken"
This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or subtracting the multiple snap-on parts.


Only in Ohio, Pike County

A group of Pike county friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of a 250 pound ten point buck.
"Where's Henry?" the others asked.
"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up he trail," the successful hunter replied.
"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired of him.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"
Regarding the year 2000, a Waverly resident was overheard saying, "If the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Pike county. Everything happens here 20 years later than the rest of the civilized world!"
The young Pike county farm boy came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"
Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?"
The young farmer answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."

Tired of all this rain?

A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in the long line of judgment. As he stood there, he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the pearly gates into Heaven. Others though, were led over to Satan who threw them into the burning pit. But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss a soul off to one side into a small pile.

After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow's curiosity got the best of him. So he strolled over and asked Satan what he was doing. "Excuse me, Mr. Prince of Darkness," he said. "I'm waiting in line for judgment, but I couldn't help wondering... why are you tossing those people aside instead of flinging them into the Fires of Hell with the others?"

"Ah, those...," Satan said with a groan. "They're all from OHIO, they're still too cold and wet to burn."

You may be from Ohio (pronounced O-hi-uh) if:

1. You think all Pro football teams are supposed to wear orange!
2. You live less than 30 miles from some college or university.
3. You know what a buckeye really is, and have a recipe for candy ones.
4. "Toward the lake" means "north" and "toward the river" means south."
5. You know if other Ohioans are from Southern Ohio or Northern Ohio as soon as they open their mouths.
6. You can spell words like Cuyahoga, Olentangy, Bellefontaine, Tuscarawas, Wapakoneta and you know which letter is doubled in Cincinnati. You can also find them on the map.
7. "Vacation" means spending a day at Cedar Point or Kings Island and deer hunting in the fall.
8. You measure distance in minutes.
9. Your school classes were canceled because of cold.
10. Your school classes were canceled because of heat!
11. You've had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
12. You know what should be knee-high by the Fourth of July.
13. You end your sentences with an unnecessary preposition. Example: "Where's my coat at?"
14. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
15. You think of the major four food groups as beef, pork, beer, and Jell-O salad with marshmallows.
16. You carry jumper cables in your car.
17. You know what 'pop' is.
18. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
19. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
20. You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightgown.
21. The local paper covers national and international headlines on one page but requires 6 pages for sports.
22. You've ridden the school bus for an hour each way.
23. You snicker when someone's from Lima, Cambridge, or Tiffin, because you think of the State Mental Hospital.
24. You've heard of 3.2 beer.
25. Schools close for the state basketball tournament.
26. Schools close for deer season.
27. You're proud of your state fair, but would rather go to Cedar Point.
28. You root for a college team though you've never taken a class there.
29. You always visit more than two amusement parks in one Summer.
30. You know that Serpent Mounds were not made by snakes.
31. You know what game they're playing when the Mud Hens take on the Clippers.
32. "Down South" to you means Kentucky.
33. You know where Neil Armstrong grew up.
34. You think that deer season is a national holiday.
35. A well balanced meal contains some form of potatoes.
36. Trick or Treat bags always contained at least one bar of soap.
37. You wore a tuxedo or formal gown to a prom in a gymnasium.
38. School shopping included a trip to Lazarus.
39. No hamburger will ever compare to a White Castle.
40. You know all the 4 seasons: Winter, Still Winter, almost Winter, and Construction.
41. You don't think of Florida first when someone mentions Miami.
42. You've heard of the Great Nickel Beer Night Riot.
43. You thought that the Michael Stanley Band was the most popular band in the country.
44. You find 20 degrees F "a little" chilly.
45. You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
46. If someone says something you don't understand or hear, you say "Please?"
47. You call it Kroger's, even though it is Kroger.

You may be from Ohio if...
1. If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you may live in Ohio.
2. If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't work there, you may live in Ohio.
3. If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you may live in Ohio.
4. If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you may live in Ohio.
5. If 'Vacation' means going anywhere south of Columbus for the Weekend, you may live in Ohio.
6. If you measure distance in hours, you may live in Ohio.
7. If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you may live in Ohio.
8. If you have switched from 'heat' to 'A/C' in the same day and back again, you may live in Ohio.
9. If you can drive 75 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you may live in Ohio.
10. If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked, you may live in Ohio.
11. If you carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you may live in Ohio.
12. If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you may live in Ohio.
13. If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph - you're going 80 and everybody is passing you, you may live in Ohio.
14. If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you may live in Ohio.
15. If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction, you may live in Ohio.
16. If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car, you may live in Ohio.
17. If you find 10 degrees 'a little chilly', you may live in Ohio.

In Ohio, we're called Buckeyes. I looked up buckeye in the dictionary. It said, "Useless nuts."

Get your Orders in for the new Cheerleader calendars!

OSU vs Michigan

On a tour of Florida, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach when there was a frantic commotion just off shore.

A helpless man, wearing a Michigan jersey, was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark.

As the Pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came racing up with three men wearing Ohio State jerseys aboard. One quickly fired a harpoon into the shark's side. The other two reached out and pulled the bleeding, semi-conscious Wolverine fan from the water.

Then using (autographed by Woody himself) baseball bats, the three heroes in OSU Red beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat. Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach.

"I give you my blessing for your brave actions," he told them. "I heard that there was some bitter hatred between Buckeye and Michigan fans, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not the truth."

As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his buddies "Who was that?"

"It was the Pope," one replied. "He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom."

"Well," the harpooner said, "he may have access to God's wisdom, but he doesn't know beans about shark fishing.... how's the bait holding up?"

OSU vs Michigan

Once upon a time, long, long ago there was a season when neither Ohio State nor Michigan made a post season bowl game. It seemed so unusual, that the coaches of both teams got together and decided that there should be some sort of competition between the two teams, because of their great rivalry.

So, they decided on a week-long ice-fishing competition. The team that caught the most fish at the end of the week would win. So, on a cold northern Michigan Lake (gave them the benefit of the doubt, or they would whine about home field advantage) they began their contest. The first day, after 8 hours of fishing, Ohio State had caught 100 fish and Michigan had 0.

At the end of the 2nd day Ohio State had caught 200 fish and Michigan 0. That evening the Michigan coach got his team together and said, "I suspect some kind of cheating is taking place," so the next morning he dressed one of his players in Scarlet and Gray and sent him over to the camp to act as a spy. At the end of the day he came back to report to the coach.

The coach asked "Well, how about it, are they cheating?"

"They sure are," the player reported, "They're cutting holes in the ice."

University of Michigan plates

A recent graduate of the Ohio State University moved to Dearborn, Michigan when she landed a great job with a company located there. After becoming a citizen of Michigan, she felt almost as if she had betrayed her Ohio background and ancestry. She had an apartment with a Michigan address, and she winced whenever she looked at her Michigan driver's license. When it came time to register her vehicle she had an idea.

She'd get personalized plates and make things right.

The personalized license plate for her car arrived, and she beamed as she
installed them. She was so proud she sent an instant message to her father
right away. He too was a proud Ohio State alumnus.

"Daddy," she typed. "I'm so excited! I got new, personalized plates for my Mini today. They're University of Michigan plates!"

"WHAT?" he replied. "You have to be joking!"

"Nope, I'm totally serious. Let me send you the image!"


Calvin whizzing on Michigan University of Michigan plate - Morons



When it's Winter in Ohio

And the gentle breezes blow.

About seventy miles an hour

And it's fifty-two below.


You can tell you're in Ohio

'Cause the snow's up to your butt,

And you take a breath of Winter air

And your nose holes both freeze shut.


The weather here is wonderful,

So I guess I'll hang around,

I could NEVER leave Ohio--

My feet are frozen to the ground!


Cincinnati Bengals Jokes

Q. What do you call 47 millionaires around a TV watching the Super Bowl?
A. The Cincinnati Bengals

Q. What do the Cincinnati Bengals and Billy Graham have in common?
A. They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell "Jesus Christ."

Q. How do you keep a Cincinnati Bengals out of your yard?
A. Put up a goal post.

Q. Where do you go in Cincinnati in case of a tornado?
A. To Cincinnati Bengals Stadium. They never get a touchdown there!

Q. What do you call a Cincinnati Bengal with a Super Bowl ring?
A. A thief.

Q. What's the difference between the Cincinnati Bengals and a dollar bill?
A. You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.

Q. How many Cincinnati Bengals does it take to win a Super Bowl?
A. Nobody knows and we may never find out!

Q. What do the Bengals and opossums have in common?
A. Both play dead at home and get killed on the road!



98% of Americans say 'Oh, S***!' before going in the ditch on a slippery road. The other 2% are from Adams County, Ohio and they say, 'Hold my beer and watch this!'


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R. Cal Westray, Jr.
Revised: February 20, 2009.

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