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Business Phrases, Insults, and Lines for Those Who Take Life Too Seriously

Phrases You Can Use In A Myriad of Situations
(Provided by a host of unknown authors)

01.) Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
02.) The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist (or genius).
03.) I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
04.) Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
05.) I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
06.) I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
07.) What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
08.) I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
09.) I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
10.) Ahhh... I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...
11.) I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
12.) It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
13.) Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
14.) No, my powers can only be used for good.
15.) How about never? Is never good for you?
16.) I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me (or once you people learn to see it my way).
17.) You sound reasonable... Time to up my medication.
18.) I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
19.) I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
20.) I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
21.) Who me? I just wander from room to room.
22.) My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!
23.) It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
24.) At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
25.) You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
26.) I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
27.) Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
28.) This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
29.) I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
30.) If I throw a stick, will you leave?
31.) You! Off my planet!
32.) Therapy is expensive; poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
33.) Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.
34.) Bottomless pit of needs & wants.
35.) I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.
36.) Does your train of thought have a caboose?
37.) I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?
38.) Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
39.) And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...?
40.) If only you'd use your powers for good instead of evil...
41.) See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
42.) A PBS mind in an MTV world.
43.) Allow me to introduce my selves.
44.) Better living through denial.
45.) Whatever kind of look you were going for you missed!
46.) Suburbia: where they tear out the trees and then name streets after them.
47.) I'm just working here until a good fast-food job opens up.
48.) Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
49.) I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
50.) A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
51.) Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
52.) Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?
53.) I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
54.) Adults are just kids who owe money.
55.) How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
56.) I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
57.) Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
58.) Okay, okay, I take it back! UnScrew you!
59.) Macho Law forbids me from admitting I'm wrong.
60.) Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
61.) Too may freaks, not enough circuses.
62.) Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
63.) Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
64.) Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.
65.) Is it time for your medication or mine?
66.) I plead contemporary insanity.
67.) I refuse to star in your psychodrama.
68.) I thought I wanted a career, it turns out I just wanted paychecks.
69.) It ain't the size, it's... no, it's the size.
70.) Meandering to a different drummer.
71.) I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
72.) I can see your point, but I still think you're full of crap.
73.) It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
74.) Do I look like a people person?
75.) Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
76.) Nice perfume. Must you marinade in it?
77.) How do I set a laser pointer to stun?
78.) The beatings will continue until morale improves.
79.) Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
80.) We waste time, so you don't have to.
81.) Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away.
82.) Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
83.) A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
84.) When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
85.) Indecision is the key to flexibility.
86.) Succeed in spite of management.
87.) Aim low, reach your goals, avoid disappointment.
88.) What is your malfunction? Do you have a mute button?
89.) Have you just recently fallen out of the stupid tree?
90.) By the way, what do you think of the human race? We'd like an outsider's opinion.
91.) Are you new here, or do you always have that confused look on your face?
92.) Did you eat paint chips as a child?
93.) Why are you still here?
94.) What alternate universe are you living in?
95.) Were you born stupid, or are you just practicing right now?
96.) Of course I don't look busy...I did it right the first time.
97.) Don't start with me. You will not win.
98.) How can I miss you if you won't go away?
99.) Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
100.) I haven't been ignoring you; I've been prioritizing you.
101.) You're the best thing since sliced tea.
102.) No, those pants don't make you look fatter. I mean, how could they?
103.) When I think of all the people I respect the most, you're right there, serving them drinks.

104.) I love you more today than tomorrow.

Those who take life too seriously:
(Provided by a host of unknown authors)

01.) Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
02.) A day without light is like, night.
03.) On the other hand, you have different fingers.
04.) I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
05.) 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
06.) 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
07.) I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
08.) You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
09.) I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
10.) Honk if you love peace and quiet.
11.) Remember, half the people you know are below average.
12.) Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
13.) Nothing is fool-proof to a talented fool.
14.) Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
15.) He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
16.) Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
17.) Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
18.) The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
19.) I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
20.) I intend to live forever - so far so good.
21.) Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.
22.) If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
23.) My mind is like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states.
24.) Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
25.) The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
26.) Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
27.) When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
28.) If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
29.) A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
30.) Experience is something you don't get until after you need it.
31.) For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
32.) Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
33.) Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
34.) No one is listening, until you make a mistake.
35.) Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
36.) The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
37.) The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
38.) The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
39.) To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
40.) To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
41.) Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
42.) You never really learn to swear, until you learn to drive.
43.) Two wrongs are only the beginning.
44.) Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.
45.) The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
46.) The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
47.) A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
48.) Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
49.) Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!
50.) Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.
51.) Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
52.) If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
53.) How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...
54.) Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
55.) If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.
56.) I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
57.) I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
58.) Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
59.) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
60.) Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
61.) WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
62.) You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
63.) So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute!
64.) I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
65.) My kid had sex with your honor student.
66.) I'm just driving this way to piss you off.
67.) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
68.) I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.
69.) The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
70.) Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
71.) It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
72.) I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
73.) Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
74.) Elvis is dead, and I'm not feeling too good myself.
75.) Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
76.) Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
77.) Consciousness: that annoying time between naps. (or beers)
78.) I'm Out Of Bed And Dressed; What More Do You Want?
79.) Remember My Name ~ You'll Be Screaming It Later.
80.) I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
81.) Beer: It's not just for breakfast anymore
82.) Beer: The reason I get up each afternoon.
83.) I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made.
84.) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder
85.) To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.
86.) Earth first... we'll mine the other planets later.
87.) As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
88.) God must love stupid people, he made so many.
89.) I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
90.) It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
91.) I know what you are thinking, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
92.) Cat: The other white meat.
93.) I must be a Proctologist because I work with Assholes.
94.) Jesus loves you. Everybody else thinks you're an Asshole.
95.) Welcome to S*** Creek. Sorry, we are all out of paddles.
96.) If you think I'm a Bitch, wait until you meet my mother.
97.) Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
98.) Where there's a will... I want to be in it.
99.) Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
100.) Be nice to your kids. They will pick out your nursing home.
101.) Boldly going nowhere.
102.) Heart Attacks... God's revenge for eating his animal friends.
103.) How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost?
104.) Don't be sexist -- broads hate that.
105.) I'm an imbecile and I vote.
106.) Money Isn't Everything... But it sure keeps the kids in touch.
107.) WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition.
108.) Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
109.) Save Your Breath...you'll need it to blow up your date!
110.) Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
111.) Grow your own dope, plant a man.
112.) All men are animals, some just make better pets.
113.) I need someone really bad... are you really bad?
114.) All men are idiots... I married their King.
115.) The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
116.) I know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions.
117.) IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
118.) Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Eternal Truths:
(Provided by a host of unknown authors)

01.) Once over the hill, you pick up speed.
02.) I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.
03.) If it weren't for STRESS I'd have no energy at all.
04.) Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
05.) Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
06.) I know God won't give me more than I can handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much.
07.) Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
08.) We cannot change the direction of the wind... but we can adjust our sails.
09.) Some days are a total waste of makeup.
10.) Do you believe in love at first sight... or should I walk by you again?
11.) If the shoe fits... buy it in every color.
12.) If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
13.) Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
14.) Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
15.) Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
16.) If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
17.) My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
18.) Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
19.) It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
20.) For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
21.) If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
22.) Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
23.) A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
24.) Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
25.) A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
26.) Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
27.) Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
28.) Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
29.) There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
30.) Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
31.) By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
32.) Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
33.) Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.
34.) A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.


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R. Cal Westray, Jr.
Revised: January 29, 2009.

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